Making new year's resolution for 2021

So what is it like to dream with an open eye? What is it like to see your dreams being crushed in front of you? What is it like to feel your heart that has stopped beating. The hardening of your own heart. To hope beyond hopelessness. To pick yourself up when you don't feel like getting up. To dream beyond horizon. To fake a smile when that is the least thing that you possibly think of doing. To stare into emptiness. To add meaning into something meaningless. To make sense of things that don't make sense. 

 

I don't know. How will I possibly know? I don't have energy today. I just don't feel like myself today. But then, a year has just come into my door steps and I had to make resolutions. Maybe I can fake one or two smiles while I talk to her. Maybe it can be brushed off by the conversations of how I am feeling now. The uncertainty of everything. 

As I opened the door, she greeted me merrily. I invited her for tea.

 

“I had waited a year to meet you,” She said. “I am happy I could finally meet you.”

 

I was taken aback by her friendliness to a total stranger like me. I smiled back. 

 

“Well, it was nice to meet you too,” I said. As I poured the tea. 

 

“What are your resolutions?,” She asked, looking all excited. “I had been waiting for the whole day to ask this,” She said.

 

 I smiled this hollow smile. The smile to fill up for the answer I couldn’t give. 

 

“Well, thank you for asking,” I said

 

It was quite strange. Quite strange that while I was feeling all this, an innocent question had been asked full of hope. Full of possibilities. Full of care. Full of faith. Something that I didn't want to turn down. 

 

“Now that you have asked me, I am thinking,” I said.

 

She smiled. The kind of smile that is filled with  genuine care.

 

“I can wait,” She said, sipping her tea. “I am here to stay with you for a year. Let's have a memorable time,”She said.

 

A child came to me this evening. When the day had gone down as usual. And asked nothing but to make memories with me? And that too a good one. I smiled pleasantly. I didn’t know what in the world I was experiencing. But then, she was a child. I am an adult. I have seen a lot more things than her. I sighed. But it was a lovely sight to see optimism in this child when I should be the one to have motivated her, being older than her. 

 

“I understand last year was tough for everyone. But still everyone persisted beyond their fear and walked courageously. I don't know what will happen this year,” She said, feeling a bit down. “It is not entirely in my control you know,” She said. “But I will grow big by one year you know.” She giggles. “And so will you my sister. I cannot wait to grow. I cannot wait to learn. I cannot think of anything else.”

 

“What about failures, rejections and heart pain?” I asked. 

 

Oh no what have I done. Why did I fill my skepticism within this child? I am filled with terror now. Just a while ago, I was fascinated by her optimism but unknowingly soon I crushed it.

 

She said, ”What is that anyway? Will it come before I do anything? I haven't met them yet. Are they as nice as you? I cannot wait to befriend them,” She said as she sipped the tea.

 

What shall I tell this child? I am perplexed. 

 

“Oh you will meet them soon,” I answered. “Maybe they are not that nice,” I mumbled softly.

 

“Well, that might not be a problem,” She said. “If I were to meet them, we can walk together. We are going to walk the same road anyway. Maybe we will work on the differences as we go. We can play and do homeworks together.”

 

“What if they don't support you?” I asked.

 

Oh no. I wished I had met her any other day. Especially not today not in this mood. Oh no. But I felt she wouldn’t understand what I was saying. I relaxed a bit. She looked at me confused.

 

“Well, what is there to support anyway? They are with me. They will teach me. I will lean onto them. We can play together. We can study together like the rest of my friends. Maybe they are feeling lonely too. Don't speak bad about them sister. Maybe they have a good side in them too.”

 

“I don't know. I am just so afraid,” I said to her looking at her eyes. 

 

“Why are you my sister? Nobody has said anything to you and nobody will,” She smiled. “I don't know what I will have for lunch during school breaks tomorrow,” She said. “We can play badminton together with them. Will you play too?”

 

“Yes.” I said without even thinking. I used to love playing it. I just didn't have any friends now to play with.

 

She clapped gleefully. “Yay, now that is done. Let me go to sleep. I can again come to you tomorrow in the morning. You can give me your resolutions tomorrow. We will meet them too tomorrow. You don't have to be afraid okay now. They are not scary monsters. I know for sure. We can play together.” 

 

“But I have to go to the hospital”. I said. “I have clinicals. Then I have classes. I don't think I can make it.”

 

“Then I can come in the evening,” She said. 

 

“Yes. I wasn't doing anything anyway in the evening. I was just busy with my thoughts like today,” I said to her. 

 

She looked at me laughing. “Now bring that with you tomorrow too. I am sure they will feel happy too.” She smiled.

 

Yes, I smiled thinking like how I was feeling happy now as she said. I remembered something.

 

 “Wait a second okay. I will bring something.”

 

I hurried upstairs bringing a piece of paper and writing my resolutions hurriedly. I then rushed down to give it to her.

 

She looked excited as she opened the paper. She looked puzzled after reading the paper.

It was written in it  To live more outside my head.

 

 She laughed. “How will you possibly live without your head,” She chuckled. "Well, you aren't invited without your thoughts tomorrow. Bring them tomorrow with you,” she said.

 

“But,” I begin saying. “They aren't that friendly,” I said to her.

 

“Well,” she said. “If you became friends with me on this cold evening without any hope, without any plan, without any feelings, I am sure you will be with them too. Maybe they aren't as bad as failures and heartbreaks. We can befriend all of them together. Like you befriended me.”

 

I was taken aback by her. The second time.  Then I asked that piece of paper and cut off the last two words.She went to her home happily carrying the paper. I went to sleep with my heart full of dreams that I saw. Full of hopes that I had. Full of life that I had been. I cannot wait to meet her tomorrow and play with her. I kept thinking. As I fall into the deep slumber that I hadn't fallen in ages. 

In that paper, it wrote

To live more